Today’s episode of let’s talk is, “I become something else by night (double lives)”. As a psychotherapist and counselor, you sometimes come across clients whose cases might challenge every ounce of critical thinking skills you may think you possess. This is usually the reason a level of open-mindedness is required on this path. One day you are speaking to everyday individuals or a couple trying to fix their lives for the better and the next you are live with a successful individual on an obvious path to self-outage. This episode is not the easiest for me but i’d like to thank everyone whose cases i will be using to teach others today.
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I am -, born to Egyptian and Saudi parents. I am a banker in – (the emirates) and manage a branch to one of the top banks in-country. I am married with – children and my husband is a caring and loving father. My issue started in 2014 during a holiday in Greece. My husband and children came with me and on one of the days i went out with my kids to buy some groceries. I saw a bar where a couple of people were gathered and having some drinks and decided i was going to come back that evening with my husband after tucking our kids in since it was just across our hotel. Prior to this period, i’d like to mention that i had a very great upbringing, had – siblings which i took care of, lived a sheltered life and both my parents were professionals, devout Muslims and i had never cheated in my marriage to him. That evening, my husband was neck deep in work and urged me to go out and have fun alone and maybe shop. I went out to the bar had a few drinks and for some inexplicable reason had a quick round of sex with a young man who had taken an interest in me and then to my amazement collected the 30 Euro he gave to me. I earn in 6 digits monthly but still i collected 30 euros. I got back after 2 hours and all was fine. Something changed in me that day Mr Temple.
6 years later, i still have a happy home, an even bigger career but a problem i cannot talk to a professional within my city or in neighboring countries about. I now opt for professional courses internationally a few times every year and every time i travel, i allow myself get picked up at cheap local bars i choose by both male and females for painful sex bouts which i don’t feel guilty about. I always collect the money they pay me and this is never over 50 usd because i never want to go to areas where high earners would come to for the fear of running into someone i know or a client. I would like to know what your thoughts are on this Temple and if there’s a solution.
Temple Say’s –
Well, talking about cupboards filled with skeletons you sure come to mind BUT listen carefully, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. After talking to over 300 individuals (this is sparta), one thing i’ve learnt is that there are no saints here just humans with both good and bad. With this intro out of the way, let’s cut to the chase.
The bigger the career, the greater the pressures and the greater the pressure, the more imperative it is to get a form of release from this pressure (hold the thought). From the original text you sent, the number of siblings you had to play mum to while your parents were working obviously meant you had to grow up fast but even more worthy of note. You had to grow up as the “responsible” big sister. Responsibility is an amazing thing but research also has proven that when trying to groom a child to take up responsibility, they should also be allowed to be children ( A memo most of our parents missed). What then happens is that you have a repressed side that was never exercised because you were always cautious with all the junior eyes watching “big sister’s” every move looking for what to copy. When this happens, either of these two scenarios play out. One, you either become a prude with a knack for correctness Or you develop a shadow personality that becomes the exact opposite of what you project to your spouse, children, friends and colleagues.
If you are a parent that really desires to raise healthy, confident children, NEVER saddle any child with the responsibility of being the one their siblings have to look up to without giving them the opportunity to play HARDER. All you will create is a child whose siblings may come to secretly resent or a closet freak. This is especially worse for females because the guys live in a world that shields them with ludicrous excuses for being guys.
(Back to the matter)…
In your case, all it took to release your shadow self was one moment of being alone without everything else that has always kept you occupied and correct (Husband, kids, career). It was just you, a girl with a drink in her hand and a man with lust on his mind (something you may have imagined at odd times). Now the plot further thickens by collecting the $30 euros. That was your way of telling yourself that this affair was devoid of any form of intimacy with no room for continuity. The release you felt after this encounter was far greater than the guilt. This was the only reason you decided to allow yourself slide into the path. You’ve also devised ways to ensure you never run into anyone within your circles of operation like going for Cheap hotels, cheap fees etc but one thing i’d like to say is this. You can never be too careful. Your only fear now is that your career & home life are great because you know you found an unhealthy way to keep ticking.. Something you know would crash real soon.
My honest advice is that you check into a sex rehabilitation centre around you that can offer you private help because it’s become an addiction and if you haven’t started already, you may soon feel the need to kill the emotional and physical pain through substance abuse. You can recover from this but you need to fight.. That fight might begin with taking a month-long leave from work. After which you can quietly get help, explain what you are going through to your husband or simply mask the reason for your therapy with something else such as improving your general well-being (Which wouldn’t be an all-out lie). On the other hand, if you can’t do it around your current location, i can create a 100-day accountability programme for you. If i can keep you engaged for 100 days, we may break that habit. A last piece of advice, if you have a daughter, don’t be tempted to dote too much on her imperfections all in an attempt to steer her away from what you battle. Stay Strong.
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I work with one of the top Airlines in the world and a female pilot. I’m of African origin and married with – kids. My family has been something of great pride in times past but i recently had an affair that affected me quite badly and i have not really been able to talk about it. My reason for writing is that in November 2018, my cabin crew and i were invited to a party by some passenger known to my co-pilot and since we all had a full day off in the city, we attended. Things got out of hand after a couple of drinks (spiked of course) as it turned out to be a swinger orgy party and having come alone i ended up having protected sex with two couples. As much as i hate myself for it, more swinger party invitations keep coming and i attend this even though i try to fight it. Every new country or route i land in, i now go to look for swinger groups to join online to enable me easily blend into the closed community. On touch down and concluding my hotel check-in, i usually stay out until early next morning. My life, career and finances has been on a downward spiral and i think i’ll crumble soon.
Two months ago, in the heat of the COVID lock-down, i caught my husband cheating on me but i noticed i didn’t even have the steam to take the arguments the long haul almost like i had lost the zeal to be in my marriage. My energy levels seem to be dropping and I’ve become quite unhappy. I need help Temple.
Temple Say’s –
Firstly, i’d like to say that your line of work is something unique and takes guts to fully function in. You see the world from a perspective many may never be privy to, sitting in that cock-pit day in and day out and seeing our world from such an aesthetic yet amazing angle. So for every time you make it out of yet another ride, i can almost sense the invincibility and great pride you may feel despite the risk this occupation packs. This risk-averse behavior if not looked into could becomes something that spreads into a other aspects of your life.
Going back to the swinger orgies, you never imagined yourself participating in it the night before you first indulged. Simply put it was never pre-meditated but was facilitated by a few drinks that loosened your nerves and an enabler (your colleague). I’m an advocate for people taking responsibility for their actions but i’m also an advocate of understanding why the actions occurred. “Your cabin-crew member was the culprit” because he/she was the plug who knew where the romps were going down. Once you take that person out of the crew OR take yourself to some other crew, this issue you face will almost be eliminated. The other part of the solution would then become you. Will you stop or would you personally go seeking for these conclaves yourself at the expense of your sanity and family. You value your family unit which is why you further explained how it makes you feel. Based on your excerpt above, your first affair left you guilty and resentful of yourself. The orgy further capitalized on an already vulnerable emotion where the lower you sink in guilt, the better you seem to feel.. Like some moral penance or sorts. Snap out of it! If you keep going down that road, your marriage will crumble. The lock-down period pulled you back and helped you face your self. Something you need to be eternally grateful for. You are on the right road to recovery with a little assistance.
I don’t know if you are affiliated to any religion but if you are, go to that entity higher than you and cleanse your soul, then step two is you forgive yourself and lastly, discuss this with your husband if he’s the type not to use it against you but if he is, then address his own infidelity and tell him it’s made you stray. That way you told a half-truth but both of you can then decide how much you still want each other and how strong your love still is. Do let me know how it goes but if you need to talk, i’m here. Stay Strong.
I own a massage parlor in one of the busiest cities in Western Africa. I started this business with a loan from the bank in a highbrow area. I’m a graduate from a UK-based University and had 8 years work experience even before i ventured into this so to all intents and purposes, “i was okay” Temple borrowing everyday parlance. Most of my clients are premium, influential and this has guaranteed some pretty good returns on my investments. In April last year, one of my new manicurists accidentally pricked a client who freaked out and all in a bid to quell the situation, we sent her some gifts expressing our appreciation with her patronage and also told her she had nothing to fear as our sets were well sterilized. This seemed to infuriate her even more as she deemed it “too mechanical”. I had to fix a meeting with her to enable me apologize properly. After many attempts to book a meeting, i finally booked a meeting and on getting to her showroom she did not seem angry anymore. She introduced me to friends who were there visiting. After i tried apologizing, she waved it off saying all was ok. She then went ahead to introduce my business to her other friends who gave me their weighty business cards and promising me i had converted them to customers already with my manners. On trying to leave she asked that i stay and have something. I stayed back and when it was finally time to leave an hour later, she walked me downstairs and after i hugged her, she gave me a full kiss on the lips saying that she appreciated my putting in efforts to see her happy. 2 years later, i am still in this relationship.I wake up some nights crying when i’m alone and on other nights i’m okay with it. This situation gets me worried because it’s so tough to discuss with anyone. My relationship with men has broken down and i’m under a lot of pressure to get married from my parents.
Temple Say’s –
“Will you walk into my parlour?” said the Spider to the Fly, “’Tis the prettiest little parlour that ever you did spy; The way into my parlour is up a winding stair, And I’ve a many curious things to shew when you are there.”
This was a poem written in 1829 by Mary Howitt. One i stumbled on as a wide-eyed 10 year old and have never forgotten. I think you were located, hunted and captured. There is nothing that went down in your narrative that would convince me otherwise. Infact, let’s reverse engineer this story starting from the very beginning.
A Tale of two Women: I’m sure your staff’, if she’s still with you and not too afraid of you to give a healthy version of this story would mention that she doesn’t think she did much damage. Infact, most parlors would sterilize their sets in the presence of their clients to build confidence (if it’s anything similar to what happens at my barber Abbey’s place in Lagos, shout-out to Abbey, great dude (07017244313)). 😂
Pricks and nips are regular occurrences during grooming sessions.So it shouldn’t be an issue. Your passion for excellence, desire to succeed and zeal to please your customers though amazing attributes for any entrepreneur were the same things that trapped you. A huntress will sniff out those same things because they give off an aura that can’t be mistaken. It’s like the smell of blood to a pack of wild dogs.
Phase 1:She knew you could not risk loosing your customer due to poor customer service or an accident in-parlor. So she played a card that you fell for. The process of begging her to accept your apologies and the tirade of outbursts could be likened to the hot and cold actions of a woman when being relentlessly pursued by a man. You persisted (like the man) and she asked you to come to her showroom (she succumbed). Phase two: You arrived at a showroom which was only an unveiling party for you just that you didn’t know it yet. When a woman gets a new boyfriend or mate, there is a tendency to want to be a bit showy-offy. That was the very thing that happened at that event but because something about that relationship was not socially acceptable, it had to be masked as a casual invite. You were about to walk out on your own party after a few minutes but ended up staying a bit longer. Phase 3: As with every great first date, you received a kiss which was the riskiest venture for her and the part where you would have stopped it all.
My question then was, “Why Didn’t she stop it all at that point?” but i went back to your letter and read it again.
On reading it again, i discovered that this was not only just a letter seeking for advice, it was actually a letter from someone who like Katy Perry “Kissed a girl and found out she liked it”. You are scared you may have sold yourself a lie these 30-odd years about your sexuality especially with time fast approaching to make some life-long decisions. I have a piece i wrote on bi-sexuality after many couples and individuals started making me understand it was fast-becoming an issue especially considering the fact we are talking about something that’s still a crime. It could help with most of your worries and give you an incline to what your next steps could be. I hope this was helpful, expository in nature for you and helped you fully unpack? Understanding it was a hunt would help you make an informed decision lest you believe it was fate (mystifying it will further thicken your haze of confusion). If you have any further questions, feel free to reach out. All the best and stay strong.
I hope these answerson the topic “LET’S TALK. i become Something Else by Night (double lives)” helped someone. I’ll write a supporting article to discuss human bi-valency but until we meet again, stay strong.
Answers by Obike Temple
A Counselor, psychotherapist, brand-Sage and entrepreneur who has counseled over three-hundred couples, individuals, substance abuse and grief-stricken clients.
For more information on related issues and to schedule an appointment with “Temple’s Counsel” visit our counseling page, chat us up via our website or send a whatsapp message to +2348109055475.
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