Today’s episode of let’s talk is, “My Spouse Lies about Money a Lot”. This situation also known as Financial infidelity is fast becoming one of the major reasons marriages are falling apart in recent times. I have received over 6 emails in the past 3 months from men and women whose partners have lied about money quite a lot. These are the three i’d like us to discuss. Let’s talk about it.
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I have seen your articles and the issues it talks about. Thank you because i have learnt so much and constantly improving in my own little way. One problem i have is that my husband does not tell me anything about money. He just gives me money to take care of the house every month and the rest he keeps it to himself and before month end we are lacking again. If i ask him he will shout on me like it is a terrible thing i did and they day he decides to talk small he will be giving political answers. It give me headache every time since we got married in 1998. Please try to read my question, i really need help.
@ political answers…
Temple Say’s – Thank you ma for the encouragement and giving me something to laugh about. Those are part of what keeps me going. I will begin from the last paragraph. If you’ve been married for 22 years, it simply means that any man that has been operating like this for that long is set in his ways. Trying to change him now may be herculean but there is a way. We will discuss that shortly. On a positive note ma, he seems to take care of the home front by giving you money monthly. My humble advice is to find out a way to make the money last longer for the month. If it means cutting down on something not so important on the list (there always is) please do it. This will solve the first problem of not having the money last to month-end.
The solution. The next thing is to surprise your husband with something that shocks him . If he likes drinking, buy a crate of his drink and make him understand the cash you saved was used for this IF he asks,pay the vendors who bring his newspapers or just generally do something thats important for him. When a man see’s that money he pays for his own activities are now being saved because his wife is taking care of it, a “responsible” man would want to know what changed. That’s your entry point.
Please call me ma’am and let me know how it goes because this problem hits home for many ibo families. This call is free ma.
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I live and work in Johannesburg but live in Durban, Kwazulu Natal area of South Africa to be exact. I’ve been married for 8 years and have 2 kids. I’m writing because i noticed that my wife had been hiding her real financial status from me. I work and provide for my family to the extent i barely have enough. She on the other hand has been working and though i do not request for her input in financing certain things at home, i felt it was only right to at least add some value in an important aspect of our spending. She spends money on her parents and siblings but never on our children as i have been doing this. She goes dining with a female friend of hers in our neighborhood to exquisite bars and spots where i know the amounts for dining in these locations are not paltry sums. I wanted to find out if this was something to be worried about or a normal thing for women. I need some feedback on this bud.
Temple Say’s – David, it’s quite sad to discover that you have been lied to about money. I do not know your wife, maybe she’s the heiress to a family fortune or is a business person herself. If any of the above are the case, it’s fine but my major concern is not being able to spend money on the children but would rather go dining in exquisite bars with her female friend. I don’t mean to get the waters muddier than it already is but i think you need to understand why her lady friend takes eminence over the kids. You could ask directly in the nicest way possible or get your facts indirectly. I’m curious about this because healthy maternal instincts even puts kids over husbands in many cases. On the money bit, it would be nice to discuss this with her and see what her take on it truly is. One thing you should do after discussing with her is to start putting in 5% of your salary monthly into an investment plan if you arent already doing this so you have the proverbial 13th month available for you and the family. This practice will start keeping you in a more confident and stable mental state as it regards your finances. Hope this helped..
Hello Temple Obike,
I would like to remain anonymous. I’m a 43, year old man who lives in Abuja, Nigeria and have been married for 12 years. Eight months ago, I lost my banking job where i rose to a Branch Manager’s position. My main concern is that while i was working i was the one providing for my immediate and extended family. This was something i was glad to help with and never complained about. From my children’s schooling, home expenses, vehicle maintenance, my wife’s business and more. However, the past 5 months have been unhappy for me because while i was trying to ensure that we have enough and working as hard as i could, my wife was saving money she never mentioned.I began noticing that she was always lying about how she got money, quickly buying things and stealthily bringing them into the home so she claims they have been there. After i lost my job all the money she had suddenly started coming from her business which she always had maintained was not doing well. I stumbled upon a customers copy of a bank’s slip in her name where she transferred Two Million, Three Hundred and Fifty Thousand to a company. This aroused my curiosity and i got an old banking colleague to look into her account. The result shocked me. My wife had over Thirty Million Naira in her account excluding the debit i saw. She did not take a loan but had steadily built up the account over the period i was working. This hurts me because all i had ever done was to take care of my family in the most respectful manner and to find out i had been used and lied to makes it worse. I asked her about the slip and she aggressively said it was payment for someone without knowing i had seen it was a farm she had been running for 2 years without telling me. She does not come from a wealthy home and i know she used to lie about money quite a bit but this? Please what do i do?
Temple Say’s – Well, all i can say is that your story reeks of financial infidelity. There were certain things i would have asked you to do but you already answered all those questions. If the source of the money was built up over a period, that rules out the possibility of having gotten money from somewhere or someone she doesn’t want you to know about. Another question would have been the manner you always gave the money at the time because a lot of wive’s and few husbands had actually confided in our sessions to reveal that they felt humiliated in the manner their spouses gave them money.
This is something i need you to concentrate on. What it took you to rise to a branch manager in your sector is still within you. Find yourself and start climbing again because doting on what you recounted above will only lead you down a path of regret, envy, bitterness and depression. Call me on my office line if you are reading this and let’s walk through a therapy session with you for three months free of cost. Concentrate on your children, do things that make you happy and dont hold a grudge against her. You are just 43 with your whole life ahead of you.
I hope these answers helped you all. There is an article that addresses this issue which i had given practical steps that could help to wards resolving it. I hope the the discussion on “My Spouse Lies about Money a Lot” helped.
Answers by Obike Temple
A Counselor, psychotherapist, brand-Sage and entrepreneur who has counseled over three-hundred couples, individuals, substance abuse and grief-stricken clients.
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